he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
