did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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