she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
