Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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