I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
