I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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