Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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