my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
