If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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