My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
