I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She's the barista slut.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
