I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
