Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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