i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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