Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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