Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
