I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
