I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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