Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Drunk is a universal language darling
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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