I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
