that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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