someone owes me an orgasm
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
