this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
