i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
