Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
