I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
