I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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