dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
How external is "for external use only"?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
