I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
