dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
