Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
