im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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