If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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