Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
