Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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