Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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