when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
