Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
