I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Randomize
