Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
