i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
