We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hippo gnu deer
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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