I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
