Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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