Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize