seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
