i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
