as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
