I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
