Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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