He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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