Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
