I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You took a bar mat shot.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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